Do you want to know how to lose your teen?

  1. Allow them to watch television whenever they want, preferably in their bedroom—and make sure they have unfettered access to MTV, HBO, Cinemax, and premium movies channels.
  2. Put a computer with a high speed Internet connection in their room or in a place where they can use it without your supervision.
  3. Respect their privacy—never go in their rooms, monitor their email, or check on their Internet activity.
  4. Don’t monitor, question or in any way restrict their music or entertainment consumption.
  5. Subscribe to Playboy or Penthouse and keep a Victoria’s Secret catalog on the coffee table.
  6. Allow them to have a “flexible curfew.
  7. Let them date early and often—preferably with older teens or young adults.
  8. Allow your daughters to dress like Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan when they go to school, or out with their friends.
  9. Encourage “Safe Sex,” give them condoms and put your daughters on birth control pills.
  10. Give them a lot of spending money but don’t make them responsible for any chores.
  11. Stay out of their social life and don’t ask questions about their friends.
  12. Avoid talking with the parents of their friends.
  13. Never talk about God, pray together or encourage them to participate in religious activities.
  14. Encourage them to drink responsibly.
  15. Allow them to work more than 20 hours per week, preferably the 4-to-midnight shift in a fast-food restaurant.
  16. Try to be their best friend.
  17. Work or volunteer as much as possible so you are seldom present when they come home from school or at dinner time.
  18. Encourage your kids to eat dinner whenever its convenient for them. When you do eat together, be sure to do it in front of the television.
  19. Avoid getting involved with their their school or talking with their teachers.
  20. Teach them to make moral decisions based on the circumstances or how they feel at the time.

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